The Framily Plan is a series at Society Church all about learning to lead and leave behind a legacy of faith in our families and friendships.
1- Leading and Leaving a legacy of faith and love in our marriage and relationships through humility and conviction formed values.
2 Samuel 11:1-2a In the spring of the year,[a] when kings normally go out to war, David sent Joab and the Israelite army to fight the Ammonites. They destroyed the Ammonite army and laid siege to the city of Rabbah. However, David stayed behind in Jerusalem. 2 Late one afternoon, after his midday rest, David got out of bed and was walking on the roof of the palace.
Holding onto Humility
Jim Collins points out in his book How The Mighty Fall that the first Stage of decline is:
Hubris Born of Success: Great enterprises (relationships and marriages) can become insulated by success; accumulated momentum can carry an enterprise (marriage and relationship) forward for a while, even if its leaders make poor decisions or lose discipline. Stage 1 kicks in when people become arrogant, regarding success virtually as an entitlement, and they lose sight of the true underlying factors that created success in the first place
Conviction Formed Values- (a firmly held belief or opinion): If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything.
Gospel Centered Spirit Formed value of personal sacrifice & generosity- willfully giving up comfort for the benefit of others
- Recognizing God as the ultimate source of provision so honoring him through giving the first part of what he provides back to him.
- His provision doesn’t mean we can be lazy. Honor God by working hard
- Be responsible- your money is not ours. How you spend it matters. Some people will tell me man, finances are ruff. But they spend hundreds of extra dollars a month on coffee, eating out, a hobby, or alcohol.
Gospel Centered Spirit Formed value of surrender- not my will but thine be done. Actions that show values, not just a spoken value but a shown value.
- We pray & seek God together
- We wait for His direction together
- We don’t make a decision until both of us are on the same page
- When we are in agreement we don’t hesitate to walk in obedience and trust
Gospel Centered, Spirit Formed value of love– The giving and receiving of relationship, motivated by love. John 13:34-35- 34 So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. 35 Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”
- Fulfilling the great commission together- Go and make disciples.
- Giving and receiving freely- no demanded return, no obligation for re-payment
- Protecting the well- If you see your relationship equity as water in a well it will help to understand this concept. We only have so much relational energy to give. Invest into people that are appreciative, reciprocal, listen and share openly.
– Aggressive Polluters- People who find out what bugs and bothers and do that- button pushers who seek to offend and frustrate. We need people who will be emotionally sensitive.
– Passive Polluters- People that are unable to reciprocate or follow through. We need people that can give back, reciprocate healthy relationship.
– Seductive Polluters- “friends” of the opposite sex that threaten the marriage relationship either physically or emotionally. If either spouse is uncomfortable there should be mutual submission about limiting conversation and time spent.
2- Leading and Leaving a legacy of faith and love in our marriage and relationships through contentment, self control and delight.
2 Samuel 11:2b-5 As he looked out over the city, he noticed a woman of unusual beauty taking a bath. 3 He sent someone to find out who she was, and he was told, “She is Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite.” 4 Then David sent messengers to get her; and when she came to the palace, he slept with her. She had just completed the purification rites after having her menstrual period. Then she returned home. 5 Later, when Bathsheba discovered that she was pregnant, she sent David a message, saying, “I’m pregnant.”
Jim Collins points out in his book How The Mighty Fall that the second Stage of decline is:
Stage 2: Undisciplined Pursuit of More- more scale, more growth, more acclaim, more of whatever those in power see as “success.” Companies (marriage and relationships) in Stage 2 stray from the disciplined creativity that led them to greatness in the first place, making undisciplined leaps into areas where they cannot be great or growing faster than they can achieve with excellence—or both… Although complacency and resistance to change remain dangers to any successful enterprise (marriage and relationship), overreaching (overspending, overworking, overdreaming) better captures how the mighty fall.
How do we recover from an undisciplined pursuit of more?
1- Cultivating Contentment- Proverbs 5:15-Drink water from your own well–share your love only with your wife.
- The grass is not greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it.
2- Practicing Self Control- 1 Peter 5:8-9- 8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
3- Rediscovering Delight- Proverbs 5:18-19- Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.
- Pastoral marriage counseling question, when was the last time you had sex? Plan a date night, by her flowers, a nice meal, listen to what she says, show interest and affection. Then go have sex.
3- Leading and Leaving a legacy of faith and love in our marriage and relationships through embracing warning signs and accepting responsibility.
2 Samuel 11:6-13 6 Then David sent word to Joab: “Send me Uriah the Hittite.” So Joab sent him to David. 7 When Uriah arrived, David asked him how Joab and the army were getting along and how the war was progressing. 8 Then he told Uriah, “Go on home and relax.[b]” David even sent a gift to Uriah after he had left the palace. 9 But Uriah didn’t go home. He slept that night at the palace entrance with the king’s palace guard. 10 When David heard that Uriah had not gone home, he summoned him and asked, “What’s the matter? Why didn’t you go home last night after being away for so long?” 11 Uriah replied, “The Ark and the armies of Israel and Judah are living in tents,[c] and Joab and my master’s men are camping in the open fields. How could I go home to wine and dine and sleep with my wife? I swear that I would never do such a thing.” 12 “Well, stay here today,” David told him, “and tomorrow you may return to the army.” So Uriah stayed in Jerusalem that day and the next. 13 Then David invited him to dinner and got him drunk. But even then he couldn’t get Uriah to go home to his wife. Again he slept at the palace entrance with the king’s palace guard.
Jim Collins points out in his book How The Mighty Fall that the third Stage of decline is:
Stage 3: Denial of Risk or Peril- As companies (marriages and relationships) move into Stage 3, internal warning signs begin to mount, yet external results remain strong enough to “explain away” disturbing data or to suggest that the difficulties are “temporary” or “cyclic” or “not that bad,” and “nothing is fundamentally wrong.” In Stage 3, leaders discount negative data, amplify positive data, and put a positive spin on ambiguous data. Those in power start to blame external factors for setbacks rather than accept responsibility.
4- Leading and Leaving a legacy of faith and love in our marriage and relationships through developing discipline, Practicing Confession and Forgiveness
2 Samuel 11: 14 So the next morning David wrote a letter to Joab and gave it to Uriah to deliver. 15 The letter instructed Joab, “Station Uriah on the front lines where the battle is fiercest. Then pull back so that he will be killed.” 16 So Joab assigned Uriah to a spot close to the city wall where he knew the enemy’s strongest men were fighting. 17 And when the enemy soldiers came out of the city to fight, Uriah the Hittite was killed along with several other Israelite soldiers… 25 “Well, tell Joab not to be discouraged,” David said. “The sword devours this one today and that one tomorrow! Fight harder next time, and conquer the city!” 26 When Uriah’s wife heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him. 27 When the period of mourning was over, David sent for her and brought her to the palace, and she became one of his wives. Then she gave birth to a son. But the Lord was displeased with what David had done.
Jim Collins points out in his book How The Mighty Fall that the fourth Stage of decline is:
Stage 4: Grasping for Salvation- The cumulative peril and/or risks gone bad of Stage 3 assert themselves, throwing the enterprise (marriage or relationships) into a sharp decline visible to all. The critical question is: How does its leadership respond? By lurching for a quick salvation or by getting back to the disciplines that brought about greatness in the first place? Those who grasp for salvation have fallen into Stage 4. Common “saviors” include a charismatic visionary leader, a bold but untested strategy, a radical transformation, a dramatic cultural revolution, a hoped-for blockbuster product, a “game-changing” acquisition, or any number of other silver-bullet solutions. Initial results from taking dramatic action may appear positive, but they do not last.
Developing Discipline in our marriage and relationships is not easy one because we expect these relationships to come easy, but sometimes they don’t.
Practicing Disciplines like:
- A regular date night (date morning, date lunch)
- Take time to talk everyday
- Focus on expressing love in a way your spouse receives love (love languages)
- Plan, make decisions and dream together
Practicing Confession: It is only through owning your mess confessing it to others and giving it to God that you can truly begin to find the cleansing we need.
Proverbs 28:13- People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.
James 5:16- Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.
Will you conceal or confess? Will you forgive or fault? This will determine your potential for healing, wholeness and ability to escape the downward decline of your marriage and relationships.